Acceptance is not Resignation

On the day of the New Moon this past weekend, I went through a radical transformation in less than 24 hours. I had gotten myself rather depressed by struggling with a mysterious ailment, and recalling all kinds of mysterious ailments that had incapacitated me in some way in my life. I resented those things, and resisted them, to the point where all I could think about was the ailments. I was playing victim.

"Why does the Universe hate me?" I whined, believing for a moment that these were curses instead of the lessons I know they must be. So I went for a walk, a feat in and of itself since the current suspect ailment had been chronic fatigue since the beginning of February.

I have the luck of living across the street from the city zoo, and a huge park. Walking around the park, you can see the bison, and beyond them several species of monkeys. Something stirred in me when I stopped by the bison that day. I stared into the eyes of one, and I felt as if it were communicating with me. I wanted desperately to be on the other side of that fence, to stroke and coddle the huge beast. I love animals, and they love me. And I believe that was what triggered change in me that day.

I moved along the path, past many dogs (and their owners) and restrained myself from stopping and petting each one. During the walk, however, I began to get passionate, determined, something just on the other side of stubborn. I felt the world around me in a subtle, grounding way, as if roots shot out from my feet and clung to the core of the earth, while a golden hand from heaven rested on my shoulder. I felt a part of everything, and found myself wanting to dissolve- not to escape, but to truly be one with all. It was, for lack of a better word, weird.

At the end of the day, I was ok. I had accepted that there were strange lessons in my life that I was in the process of learning, and that the only way to rid myself of the problems were to stop resisting them and confront them; stop fighting them, and heal myself, body and soul.

The next day I was not tired at all. And the next. And the next. And today. I filmed a movie, wrote a paper, began working on a new novel... I don't know if it's because of my realization, or because of the beautiful weather we've been having (finally), but it doesn't matter. My resolve remains: to take care of myself, and to stop resisting the negative vibrations that come into my life. Interestingly enough, the Bison correlates to all those lessons learned ;D

Also, I want a cat as soon as possible ;p

~Madeline

Renewal

One of the most exciting things about consciously following a spiritual path is how aware one becomes, especially to the constant changes in ourself and our life. Spring, while being a time to reflect on balance, is also a time of cleansing and change for the better. While it is sometimes difficult to achieve those ends (the body cleansing often manifests as illness, and the soul cleansing can manifest in mood swings or other instabilities) we must keep the end in mind when we find ourselves in the midst of the cleansing frenzy. Taking responsibility is much healthier than blaming yourself for the mess you have to fight through in order to achieve renewal.

This month I am wrapping up the semester, and it has been a bland and irritable one. I would like to look at this month as a cleansing month, cleansing myself of the unwanted projects that detract from the time and energy I have to put into the things that I am passionate about. I am cleansing myself of the professors whose classes did not meet my expectations. I am cleansing myself of the papers and assignments I have let build up in my mind through persistent procrastination during the cold and motivation-sapping months of winter. I look to the end and travel through this month begging for renewal of my spring and summer self.

April is the last stretch of a long cold journy, but it is tempered with warm days and occasional thunderstorms that lift my spirits through the generally sunless weeks. We have rounded a bend, but we're not out of the transformational stages just yet. Patience and persistence are needed to land us safely on the shores of renewal. But when we arrive... there will be no mistaking it.

~Madeline