Acceptance is not Resignation

On the day of the New Moon this past weekend, I went through a radical transformation in less than 24 hours. I had gotten myself rather depressed by struggling with a mysterious ailment, and recalling all kinds of mysterious ailments that had incapacitated me in some way in my life. I resented those things, and resisted them, to the point where all I could think about was the ailments. I was playing victim.

"Why does the Universe hate me?" I whined, believing for a moment that these were curses instead of the lessons I know they must be. So I went for a walk, a feat in and of itself since the current suspect ailment had been chronic fatigue since the beginning of February.

I have the luck of living across the street from the city zoo, and a huge park. Walking around the park, you can see the bison, and beyond them several species of monkeys. Something stirred in me when I stopped by the bison that day. I stared into the eyes of one, and I felt as if it were communicating with me. I wanted desperately to be on the other side of that fence, to stroke and coddle the huge beast. I love animals, and they love me. And I believe that was what triggered change in me that day.

I moved along the path, past many dogs (and their owners) and restrained myself from stopping and petting each one. During the walk, however, I began to get passionate, determined, something just on the other side of stubborn. I felt the world around me in a subtle, grounding way, as if roots shot out from my feet and clung to the core of the earth, while a golden hand from heaven rested on my shoulder. I felt a part of everything, and found myself wanting to dissolve- not to escape, but to truly be one with all. It was, for lack of a better word, weird.

At the end of the day, I was ok. I had accepted that there were strange lessons in my life that I was in the process of learning, and that the only way to rid myself of the problems were to stop resisting them and confront them; stop fighting them, and heal myself, body and soul.

The next day I was not tired at all. And the next. And the next. And today. I filmed a movie, wrote a paper, began working on a new novel... I don't know if it's because of my realization, or because of the beautiful weather we've been having (finally), but it doesn't matter. My resolve remains: to take care of myself, and to stop resisting the negative vibrations that come into my life. Interestingly enough, the Bison correlates to all those lessons learned ;D

Also, I want a cat as soon as possible ;p

~Madeline

Speak of the Goddess and She shall appear

Well it's been a while, but I'm back...

I've been dealing with some health concerns lately. In my life, I've learned that health problems are always related to a spiritual lesson or caused by spiritual concerns: I've suffered from sciatica caused by a herniated disc above my tailbone (Root Chakra, anyone?) that affected my left leg (female energy) and that only after years of inner-journeying and contemplation and determination was I able to get under a semblance of control; as a Taurus, my throat is my weak body part (Fifth Chakra), and as a writer that is some scary symbolism. I've always been shy, but in the past few years, since making some personal vows, I've begun to open up a lot, and with that my writing has become a daily act of worship instead of a once in a blue moon event.

Anyway, I've been dealing with toxicity and menstrual stuff lately (FUN) and today I've been feeling terrible: shaking, weak, exhausted, hyper-emotional (not bitchy or depressed, thank the gods). I had determined earlier this week that I would begin a cleanse on Sunday, so I should have expected that my body would begin to violently detox on its own (it's what happens when I tell myself I'm going to cleanse).

I looked up "goddess of healing" on google (because I'm tired and taking a sick day from the weekend ;p) and skimmed over a few familiar names, before I saw a link for a mantra for healing. Following the link, I discovered the bodhisattva Tara, or Buddhist goddess Tara (originally a Hindu goddess and possibly a variation on Kali). I've never heard of her, and that makes me sad because I've studied Buddhism in college, and she should have been mentioned as she is a popular figure for female Buddhists.

But, anyway, I am so excited by this discovery! Even as I type I'm being pulled towards further investigation, beyond the lengthy Wikipedia article. Already they make reference to her glowing like the moon, embodying feminine compassion and strength, how in her different colors/aspects she represents different energies that we can invoke. I am going to meditate on her today, use her mantra "oṃ tāre tuttāre ture svāhā," and see what happens.

I've always been strongly drawn to Hinduism and Buddhism; Sarasvati and Ganesh are two of my favorite deities. Ok, I've always been drawn to polytheism in general but that just goes to prove the common answer to the question "how long have you been a pagan?": "Well, I've been a pagan all my life but I only realized it [X] years ago."

Exciting stuff! It's always nice when new deified faces come into your life for one reason or another.

Oh, and speaking of meditation, look forward to another update in regards to that!

Brightest Blessings,
Madeline

ps: don't mind the sloppiness of this entry... I'm sick ;P