Acceptance is not Resignation

On the day of the New Moon this past weekend, I went through a radical transformation in less than 24 hours. I had gotten myself rather depressed by struggling with a mysterious ailment, and recalling all kinds of mysterious ailments that had incapacitated me in some way in my life. I resented those things, and resisted them, to the point where all I could think about was the ailments. I was playing victim.

"Why does the Universe hate me?" I whined, believing for a moment that these were curses instead of the lessons I know they must be. So I went for a walk, a feat in and of itself since the current suspect ailment had been chronic fatigue since the beginning of February.

I have the luck of living across the street from the city zoo, and a huge park. Walking around the park, you can see the bison, and beyond them several species of monkeys. Something stirred in me when I stopped by the bison that day. I stared into the eyes of one, and I felt as if it were communicating with me. I wanted desperately to be on the other side of that fence, to stroke and coddle the huge beast. I love animals, and they love me. And I believe that was what triggered change in me that day.

I moved along the path, past many dogs (and their owners) and restrained myself from stopping and petting each one. During the walk, however, I began to get passionate, determined, something just on the other side of stubborn. I felt the world around me in a subtle, grounding way, as if roots shot out from my feet and clung to the core of the earth, while a golden hand from heaven rested on my shoulder. I felt a part of everything, and found myself wanting to dissolve- not to escape, but to truly be one with all. It was, for lack of a better word, weird.

At the end of the day, I was ok. I had accepted that there were strange lessons in my life that I was in the process of learning, and that the only way to rid myself of the problems were to stop resisting them and confront them; stop fighting them, and heal myself, body and soul.

The next day I was not tired at all. And the next. And the next. And today. I filmed a movie, wrote a paper, began working on a new novel... I don't know if it's because of my realization, or because of the beautiful weather we've been having (finally), but it doesn't matter. My resolve remains: to take care of myself, and to stop resisting the negative vibrations that come into my life. Interestingly enough, the Bison correlates to all those lessons learned ;D

Also, I want a cat as soon as possible ;p

~Madeline